We have been doing a book club at CTaccess for a few years now.  It has been a great way to foster continuous learning with the team members who choose to join.  It also creates community around the shared experience of reading the same content and then discussing it together.

This quarter, the book came up, and I gave it a weary glance and was tempted to bow out of the reading.  I was reading other books and wondered if stretching to read one more would be worth it. I reluctantly decided to join this quarter and read the book, “How to Listen with Intention,” by Patrick King.

I’ve read about listening before and may have even thought, “I am a decent listener, and the book probably doesn’t offer anything new.”  I couldn’t have been more wrong.  While the material may not have been all-new, the book woke me up and made me realize how often I listen out of self-interest.  It opened my eyes to how much I could improve my listening and gave me some great ways to do that.

Here are my takeaways and thoughts prompted by the book:

1. Practice People-Oriented Listening – The best listening is focused on the speaker and what they want to convey. Most of us gravitate to the facts, the problem to solve, or maybe even what we are going to say next. Centering our attention on the person and their delivery with a no-agenda perspective will produce better communication.

2. Get Your Framework Right –  The framework is the “unspoken goal” of the conversation. It is easy to get this wrong or assume a framework based on your predisposition.  For instance, I am a problem solver, so I might automatically assume every conversation is about solving something.  We all know how this framework mismatch works when paired with someone looking for an empathetic ear. When in doubt, confirm the framework. Are we problem-solving or just sharing events?

3. Always Use Empathy – Many of us think we are empathetic, but how good are we at expressing empathy sincerely? Even with someone we care about, we are often thinking about how to help them solve problems rather than how to validate their feelings. To connect better, use empathetic statements like: “Tell me more.” “What are you feeling?” “I’m curious, …?” “I can sense this is creating some anxiety.”

4. Don’t Express Judgment or Blame – Sure, there are times to confront the hard stuff, but too often, we go there when we shouldn’t, and it stops the sharing of ideas. We say things like, “I could have told you not to do that.”, or “Maybe you should have…” or “If you had only…”. We sometimes express judgment without realizing it, and rather than feeling heard, the person we are communicating with is further upset. These statements invalidate the other person’s point of view and can even cause a division rather than a connection.

5. Be Present This seems like it should be simple, but in today’s world of heightened distraction, it takes some on-purpose changes.  Our number one distraction is often our smartphone, so consider silencing it or leaving it behind for a meaningful conversation.  In many instances, it is also helpful to suggest another environment. Suggesting a move to another room with less distraction helps and signals to the other person that you care enough to listen.  Visual cues can also signal that we are present.  We might mentally tell ourselves to be present, and as a result, it causes our facial expressions to relax.

6. Pay Attention to Subtext – Why do people say things are “fine” when they really aren’t?  Are we paying attention to the subtext that tells us things could be better?  We are naturally avoidant of directness, hence subtext. Look for verbal cues and be curious.  Don’t let statements like “fine” rest without some exploration.  Instead of saying we are hungry, we say things like, “I had a small breakfast,” or we rub our stomachs without realizing it. If we pay attention to the subtext, we can hear what they are really saying.

7. Be Radically Genuine – Genuinely remind the person you are communicating with of the good you see in them, but only after you have really heard them. Once you have expressed true empathy, you can encourage. “I have faith you will get through this” will go a long way once they feel truly heard.

Like many other things, a humble heart improves communication. When we focus on others instead of ourselves, we connect better, hear better, and ultimately communicate in a way that values the other person and produces a higher outcome.